She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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