but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
