the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
