I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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