dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
