do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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