i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
