I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
