i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
