I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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