yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
