I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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