My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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