highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
