I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
