You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
