the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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