I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
