Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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