she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
