Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
