When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
