My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I want to fling myself into the sun
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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