I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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