I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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