I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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