I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
