fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
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Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
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I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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