Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
