So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
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you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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