Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
It's rum buckets o'clock
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
