I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
