you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
