I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
