Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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