Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
