I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
