I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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