I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
How's work?
Spinning.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Randomize
