I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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