Got a toothbrush?
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
