Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
