Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
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I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
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It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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