Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
