Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Randomize
