My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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