Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
