But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
