He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
