i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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