Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
