what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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