I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
