apparently the secret to your success is patron
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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