OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
