I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
