I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
