and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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