Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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