do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
