you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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