sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
the liver wants what the liver wants
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
